born serene oh but not old.
nicknamed the old one now.
i stress, i am not old.
i would prefer to be called, mature.

It's not a dream if it came true,
but we exist to dream.
Make a wish,
I'm your faithful genie that doesn't have much patience :)

Designer: lovebites
Image: monatheydidnt
Image Host: Tinypic
Image done in Photoshop CS2

that weird feeling is back again.
oh nos.
stop haunting me!!
you raise me up, so i can stand on mountains.
you raise me up, to walk the stormy seas.
i am strong, when i am on your shoulders.
you raise me up, to more than i can be.
_________________________________

my favourite songs now. especially "You Raise Me Up". why? i don't know. haha. i just keep on telling choo and phua that i am strong so they can cough in my face umpteen times and i will still be fine. haha. and whenever i say that, i'll sing that line "i am strong, when i am on your shoulders." haha. a bit the lame ah. heehee.

oh wells. i am feeling weird. like, i think of you too much. too much. wayyyy toooo muccchhh. and this is bad. i don't want my life to revolve around you. no no no. this is wrong. so wrong. totally wrong. ugh. and i shouldn't be hanging around you so much. cos i am feeling the wrong already.

oh wells. screwed up as usual. i seem to be doing the wrong things all the time. hanging around the wrong people. wrong wrong wrong. ah. freak it.

((:
mr phua, you think you know me very well eh. so much so that you can dissect me and actually conclude when i am super sensitive. but i think you are wrong. yeah. cos i should know it better than you right? hmm.

ohohs. and you are a smell person just like me. haha. i finally found another of the same species. woohoo. it's like others don't normally understand my thing about smells, and how woodlands library has this homely smell. finally, i found you. hhahaa. at least i am not so weird. haha. by the way, i like the smell of organics/sunsilk. hahaa.

met dearest today. after like one whole month. gosh. i kinda missed her. heehee. hope i can see her again real soon, cos we didnt get to hug just now. damn. hahaa. love you dear.
((:
life's okay. up till today. i really wonder how i survived all these crappy days.

jon is really weird. he loves udee. oh nos. he molested udee lah. i know udee is supposed to be gay but still, heartache. he wants to share udee with me. fine. i will. or else later he don't want to return udee to me. oh wells. my poor udee. you know i love you. sorry darling.

and we had a talk on those who cut themselves. choo is kinda amused and scared at the thought of that. she just don't know anyone like that. and don't understand. i seem to understand suaku rather well now don't i? now that i can explain the whole logic behind cutting to choo. jon thinks i am like too. haha. cos he was like,"you seem to know it very well." well. cannot help it if i kinda know how it feels. to be dead. a zombie. walking corpse. people i know cut for a plain simple reason. to feel the pain or to see the blood. to feel alive. to feel alive. it's to numb the pain in somewhere else. to numb it. so you won't feel it and hurt. simple as that. it's nothing serious. maybe cos i just happened to experience more stuff than the kids.

went for dinner with chuan wenjing and wyn. were talking. seem like i really have a generation gap with wyn already. my thinking seemed to have matured, over the past year. i can really connect with chuan. and he is like 10 years my senior. i really matured. and the kids didn't. so we have a generation gap. a gap to be bridged soon, or else i will be so far ahead of them. my one more year really has caused a huge gap. but at least i can surely say i think more. on a very much different level. and has seen more than the kids. they are seriously kids to me now.

on a different level of thinking on mature stuff, i happen to be on the same frequency on crap. hahaha. i am weird. okays. off to think deeply for the pw survey questions. love ya.
Was looking through all the files in my personal words folder. Found 2 really interesting articles written by suaku a long long time ago. A time so long ago that I forgot all about the articles.

The first is about the memory we shared in sec 2 during 160th anniversary. She wrote all about it. From the start to the end, bringing back certain memories of mine which I have clearly forgotten about. I will never forgive myself for forgetting them. How could i. The love we once shared deeply, over the smiles, the guests, the tea lights, the singing and of cos, the “thanking for coming.” It is titled “do you remember.” I am ashamed to say I actually forgot the part of plaits. I remembered everything else though. All my life. I will never forget that day. There can be miracles, when we believe. When we really believe. Do you believe? The gloves still remain in the drawer in my room, harden by wax and memories. And the approval from mrs lee will stay etched in our minds, for she has left us to be by God’s side. Here comes the story:

Strange how vastly amusing our past seems on hindsight. How our little petty wants and wishes seem to have faded into yesteryear without a trace. Yet stranger yet is how it all comes back to mind with no more than a hint of nostalgia.

I sat obediently on one of the grey tables in the middle of the classroom, perspiration dripping down the sides of my neck. I swiped at the drops carelessly with the back of one hand.
“ Stay still! We’re running out of time already.” Beverly tugged at the braid she was plaiting down my back. I shrugged my shoulders impatiently.
“ You’re hurting my head! Besides, I’m all hot and sweaty from rushing into my uniform.” She gave my plait a final twist, and swung it over my shoulder next to where the other plait lay. I fingered my plaits gingerly, then clambered down from the table to kneel before the bottom of the window. Examining my reflected image carefully, I sighed deeply then adjusted my scarf wearily. The knot was already drooping from over-adjustment, but I had to try to perfect it.
“ Look at her! Admiring herself again!” Serene bounded over cheerily and smoothed her own short hair next to me. “ Chio already larh! Aioyh so vain.” I laughed and whacked the side of her head. Instantly she retaliated with a fierce tug of my plait. I scowled at her, stroking my plait defensively. She laughed again and yanked me to my feet.
“ Hurry, we’re going to be late. Don’t want to kena scolding again larh. Move it!” we grabbed our berets and gloves from the tables and ran out helter-skelter along with the other girls. Ailyne joined our side, panting slightly. She had been in the toilet adjusting her hair and scarves like the other thirty-something sec2 guides. Arm in arm, we raced down the stairs and into the chapel. Grinning apologetically at our seniors, we slipped behind them and sat down to catch our breath. The teachers stalked quickly, glaring at us. We ducked our heads, checking our scarves yet again.

Stationed outside in the burning sun, Serene and I stood opposite each other, in senang-diri position. The sec3 non-uniformed group girls slouched on our sides. With our heads up and shoulders back, we were determined to show that uniformed group girls had discipline. But oh, how our feet and backs ached after the first hour or so. To pass the time, we practiced smiling. There was the ‘small smile’, which was a slight curving of lips without showing the teeth, meant for our own friends who ran past. It was usually accompanied with a quick wink. We were not supposed to talk, but three or four hours of silence was torturous, so we yelled across to each other every now and then. We next came up with the ‘medium smile’, meant for teachers and the like who hurried past, barking into their walkie-talkies. The ‘big smile’ was reserved for the VIPs who would drive past us later. Serene loved her ‘big smile’ so much she flashed it at me every five minutes until I glared at her. With beads of sweat rolling down my face and back, I was more preoccupied trying to keep the blood circulating around my body. Every time I began to see stars I would pinch my fingers inside my gloves and wriggle my toes vigorously. To faint would be a great disgrace.

Hours later (literally), after the guests had all arrived and we had ushered them politely into the school, we ran back to the chapel to rest. Whipping off our berets and gloves, we slumped over the chairs, exhausted. With quite a lot of time to spare until our next assignment, we rested quietly in the room, talking in low voices. The hall was not so far away that we could raise our voices and play. We were brought to the classroom block to eat the packet dinner provided. Well it was not really dinner, just a small cream cake, a piece of kuay and a cup of mineral water. We were not very impressed, but being trained to do as we were told and make no comments, we ate it up silently.

Ms Tng came rushing to us, requesting that a few of us help light tea-lights and place them along the staircase from the hall. Always eager for a bit of fun, Serene and I volunteered. We skipped down the corridors to the back of the hall, giggling. Mrs Wong smiled at us. She was our science teacher, and appeared very pleased that it was the girls from her favourite class who had agreed to help. The wind blew around us fiercely, whipping the flames from the candles as soon as we lit them. With only half an hour to go, we were desperate. Shielding the tea-lights with our hands, we ran up and down the stairs, lighting and relighting the candles. The task seemed impossible. Already the sun was setting, and still the wind blew unrelentingly. Serene burst into song as usual. This time the song of her choice was ‘when you believe’. Most fortunately Mrs Wong was attending to something else, and did not get the unspoken privilege of listening to two tone-deaf guides singing merrily as they hurried up and down the stairs. Pausing for breath, we almost collided on one of the steps. She gripped my hand to steady herself.

“‘ Do you remember what we always say? That it’s truly a miracle that the two of us are friends? Well here’s another miracle. The candles are staying lit.” I turned to look at the floor incredulously. The tiny row of flickering lights twinkled merrily at me. I threw my arms around her in relief, laughing hysterically.

Giggling, we lined the staircase, one opposite another. Our seniors lined the top flight, and us juniors the bottom. I was across Serene. Again. Grinning madly, we practiced our bows and greetings. We decided that she would say ‘Hope you had a nice day’ and I would say ‘Thank you for coming’. The streams of people poured past us. We bowed and jumbled up our lines, but the guests never seemed to mind. I guess our smiles said it all. When the torrents had slowed to a mere trickle, and then nothing at all, our seniors gave the signal to pick the tea-lights up. Just as we were gathering them up in our hands, someone hissed,

“ ‘VIP!” We never moved so fast. A single step, and we were back in our positions, chins up and shoulders back. The molten wax dripped unto our gloves, but we bit our lips and kept our faces straight. The cameramen came down the stairs backwards, focusing on Mrs Lee and the VIP. Pair after pair bowed and smiled and greeted, berets bobbing. Serene and I focused our megawatt beam on them, as if our hands were not burning away. Mrs Lee smiled at us, and leaning over, said in a low tone,

“ Good job, girls.” Up til then, we had spent more or less the past one year and seven months of our secondary school life hoping for her approval. As the VIP smiled at us and swept past, we turned to each other, grinning with relief. As they disappeared around the corner, we relaxed from our stiff positions and tried in vain to peel the more-or-less solidified wax off our gloves. They remain stained with patches of white wax on the palms to this day, a reminder of the excitement of that day.

As I sat the bus back home that night, past the school with its coloured lights and grand décor, I realized for the first time that I was truly proud of the school, of the coy, of us all. I suppose it takes an experience like this to jolt you into a steadfast loyalty that has never faded with time. It’s been almost two years since, and sometimes when I’m walking down the steps from the back of the hall, it all comes rushing back to me, and I remember the night that was the highlight of my sec2 life.


Pretty aint it? For those who were involved in the 160th anniversary will all share a common memory, even though it differs from one to the other. I really miss sec 2. the best year of my polka dots life. My best year. But we can’t go back can we? We can’t. memories last forever.

The next article is a story she wrote for an essay writing competition if I remember correctly. I never fail to cry whenever I read it. But I had to curb my tears today as I am presently in school typing this. It is so touching. So loving. So true, even though the main cast were only kids in the story. It’s a story of a forsaken love. Forsaken friendship.

“ Look, ah-ma! See how high I can jump!” the thin piercing shriek of my youngest grandchild broke through my reverie. Muttering under my breath, I grasped the seven-year-old firmly by her sides and yanked her off the sofa. Scowling at the spirited young girl prancing about on the polished floor, I wondered to myself impatiently why the restless child could not sit quietly in a corner reading like her older siblings. Then a brief memory flashed across my mind, and I smiled to myself. Of course the girl would be as full of unrestrained energy as a ball of fire. She was my grand daughter, after all. I turned to her, a gentle reminiscing smile playing on my lips.

“ Rachel, would you like to hear a story? A real life story – truer than those fairytales you insist on reading and believing.” She beamed at me, all child-like eagerness, and settled on the floor by my feet.

“ Of course, ah-ma! But whose story is it? I want to know.” I stroked her hair gently, her soft black hair that reminded me so much of mine.

“ Why, my story of course, dear. I’ll tell you about ah-ma’s life when she was a little girl, way back in the ‘90s.”

“ That was a long time ago! You’re very old, ah-ma.” She started counting the years on her fingers in awe, but soon gave up. I laughed. True, it was now 2063, but my cherished childhood memories were still crystal clear in my mind. Thoughtfully gazing back into those huge brown eyes that peered so earnestly into mine, I began, more to myself than to my sole listener.

“ I was only five when my family moved into a new flat. The first evening we settled in, our busy unpacking was interrupted by a polite knock on the wooden door. Scrambling to her feet, Mother unlocked the door. A tall Malay couple stood outside the iron-grilled gate, the woman holding a little girl about my age firmly by the hand. Mother held her hand out uncertainly, and as she shook their hands, the little girl grinned at me and waved vigorously with her free hand. I grinned right back, and waved as energetically. Our parents burst into easy laughter, and before long all of us were crowded about their table, enjoying home-cooked food and warm conversation. After dinner, Nora (for that was the little girl’s name, you know) showed me her Barbie doll collection. My mother had to drag me away physically because I refused to leave their house to return to our own home a door away. Even at five, I knew good company when I saw it, especially when it came wrapped up in a friendly, neat little package in the form of Nora.

“ Every evening at five, she would cross the corridor and bang on our door. Without fail, I would open it to see her grinning her pixie grin at me, holding her bicycle in both hands expectantly. Leaping unto my own bike, I would race her down the slopes and walkways of our HDB estate, swerving dangerously around pillars. When we tired, we would lean our bikes against the lamppost in the playground, and draw pictures in the sandpit. I never got round to telling her, but I always thought her pictures were far nicer and more sophisticated than mine. At six, our mothers would yell to us from our block, and we would hurry back home for dinner, knowing that an hour later we’d be back in either of our houses to play with our Barbie dolls.

“ Nothing changed for two years, until we entered primary school, fresh-eyed and innocent. To our delight, we were in the same class, and were even allowed to sit next to each other. Her skin colour had never bothered me, until the other girls started whispering about her, the only Malay girl in class. Whenever the teacher stepped out of class, Fiona, the ringleader of the ‘in’ group would taunt Nora, calling her ‘stupid’ and ‘black sheep’. Recesses were even worse, with the two of us sitting quietly in a corner of the playground, watching the others play hide and seek. We didn’t dare to talk, even as we shared our peanut butter sandwiches, for fear of Fiona overhearing and turning our words against us. Nora never breathed a word of this mistreatment to anyone, and forbade me to do so, as she didn’t believe in ‘tattle-ling tales’. I didn’t realize it then, but even seven-year-olds can be cruel enough to ostracize those who seem different from them.

“ During art classes, the teacher would pin Nora’s art pieces on the board, and praise her in front of the entire class. Sometimes I would turn around uneasily, only to see Fiona glaring at Nora jealously. As soon as the teacher left, Fiona would run to the board, rip the drawing into tiny shreds, and then toss them in Nora’s face. Nora never cried.” Here I stopped to catch my breath. Rachel plucked at my sleeve impatiently.

“ Oh, come on, ah-ma, don’t stop like this in the middle of the story. You know I hate it! Please continue.” She clambered into my lap, dragging her stuffed dog with her. I felt rather stifled, but it was nothing compared to the waves of remorse that flooded my being, at the mere thought of what I had to say next.

“ After few months of this, Fiona approached me and offered me a place in her ‘gang’ if I would stay away from Nora. Tired of being on the unpopular side of the fence, I readily agreed. Seeing Nora’s confused and hurt face staring up into mine the first time I tossed insults in her face only made me laugh harder. I was becoming a ruthless monster. In weeks, I had convinced myself that the Chinese were the superior race, and that I no longer needed Nora’s friendship.

“ The day of the National Art Competition I stayed home with a stomach ache. Flipping through the photo album, I came across a picture of my fifth birthday party. Nora was standing next to me, beaming winsomely into the camera behind the cake. Confused by the mixed emotions rushing through my heart, I flipped the page. Another picture, yet almost the same. Nora and I, behind the birthday cake. The same grin, the same carefree exuberance. Then through my mind flashed another picture, a more recent one. Nora gazing at me with the haunted eyes of a hunted animal, pleading with me, questioning me. I began to cry.

“ The next day I suggested to Fiona over recess that I invite Nora to my seventh birthday party. The incredulous look she gave me made me regret my stupidity. Of course Nora could not attend my party. I hadn’t even spoken to her in weeks. So it was to my surprise that the day before the party, Fiona came running to me. ‘Oh, Dawn, if you want to invite Nora you may. She’s finally earned the right to be one of us.’ Puzzled, I nevertheless invited Nora. At the party, Fiona whispered to me that Nora had won the art competition, and was therefore in a position to be used if needed. Nora glanced quickly at us as Fiona moved away, and for a split second I wondered if she had heard us. But things moved so quickly, I didn’t have the chance to talk to her. The cake was cut and pictures taken (yet another Kodak moment of merry smiles) and the guests shown to the door.

“As I walked Nora out of the house, she turned briefly and looked at me straight in the eye. ‘ Thank you for inviting me to your birthday party. I’m afraid it’ll be the last of yours that I’ll attend, because I won’t have a two-faced person for a friend. Goodbye.’ Strangely enough, as she walked across the short corridor without a single glance back, I felt as if part of my heart was leaving with her.

“ Shortly after, Nora moved away from my block and transferred school. I have never seen her since.” My words faded into the silent room. I opened my eyes to see Rachel gaping at me, shock and disappointment written on her face. I smiled wearily at her, ruffling her tousled hair. Already I was regretting telling the last part of the story, but it would be a lie to pretend it had never happened.

“ Well what would you have done? I didn’t know any better. But if I could just see her once more, and say I’m sorry… that would mean a lot to me.” So saying, I reached behind my chair and pulled out a tattered photograph album. Flipping expertly through the pages, I found the photograph with the ease that only comes with practice.

“ There.” Following my pointing finger, Rachel peered down at the picture.

“ Why, ah-ma, she looks exactly like Nurul! The girl who sits next to me in class.” The familiar old pang of loss and regret stung me once again. I plucked the album from her hands, and shoved it back behind the chair.

“ How nice. Ah-ma needs to nap now, run along and play.” Having excused myself, I hobbled off, ignoring Rachel’s pondering stare. The child really thought too much.

“ Ah-ma!” the familiar shriek echoed in the corridor. Embarrassed, I hurried over to Rachel, not daring to look up at the other waiting parents and grandparents. She beamed at me, all innocent radiance and pure joy. I frowned suspiciously at her, but she ignored me and instead hollered to another little girl, with curly black hair and brown skin.

“Nurul!” the little girl turned around. Ah yes, Nurul, the girl who sits beside her, the girl who looks like Nora of old. The resemblance was indeed rather striking… I peered closer. Then I saw exactly whom Nurul was leading by the hand towards us. Step by hesitant step, a shrunken old Malay lady with a familiar face was approaching us. Rachel beamed at me, whispering,
“ I thought you might want to meet Granny Nora. Nurul said she told her your story too.” I stared from Rachel to Nurul to Nora in disbelief. Then with a heart-wrenching cry, I leapt into Nora’s arms, my arthritis forgotten.
“ I… I’m sorry. For everything.” The words choked on the unshed tears caught in my throat. She smiled that unchanged winsome smile at me.
“ Dawn, don’t worry. I forgave you long ago… now forgive yourself too. How about coming over to have a look at how my collection of Barbie dolls has grown?” A laugh, another hug, and it was as if years had not passed since I made that mistake all those years ago. It was all I could hope for, that Rachel and Nurul would not have to wait seventy years to realise that skin colour does not determine the worth of your friendship, and that beneath that sometimes misleading skin, all of us are of only one race – humanity.


I love the last line the most. It’s so true. So true. I love you guys. I really do.
it's been quite some time since i last blogged. kinda busy this week.

on monday, i cannot remember what happened that day. yah. everything seems to be a blur in my mind. too many things cramped up there and too little time and space. oh wells. i seriously cannot remember. ohs. i remember watching superband. coming online. then watching the result show. ah. now i know why i slept at 12+.

on tuesday, went to jon's house for gp. okays. we were supposed to do work but serene and i were so happy in his room that we just slacked. haha. seriously slacked. we nearly fell asleep if not for him. haha. he was trying desperately to keep us awake, off his floor and try to cramp some gp information into our heads. then we refused to leave his house around 7. haha. too comfortable lah. when he managed to get one off the chair/floor, the other will go down. when the other comes up, this one will go down. haha. finally left his house around 7.15. hahaa. made him followed us out and bring us up to the 25th floor cos serene wants to see how it is like over there. he lives on the 22nd storey by the way. thanks jon, for allowing us over.

did pw online after that. well. i didnt really contribute. was just making my presence felt. haha. it's jon and doong doing only. was watching AQMFS lah. haha. hooked on. haha. slept at 12+ too. so tired.

on wednesday, it was the most hectic day of this week. thought school ends at 12.45 but got cheated. ended at 2.15 instead. damn. and the weekly retainee gathering for cancelled cos jj has gp and cheryl has chemistry. so irritating lah. i had to go for pw cos there's nothing to do. krazy watermelon sucks lah. like seriously. oh wells. commented that many things has to be changed on our gpp. and we are like supposed to hand up a draft the next day before our final draft on friday. like what the shit. so we decided to go somewhere to go our gpp. final decision was doong's place but only me jon and doong can make it. yeah.

due to ending at 2.15, missed the team bus to jalan besar. damn. had to go with the counsellors and they weren't even sure if there's enough space for us. nic haf haf's friend and i just followed the counsellors along. haha. they didnt even realise it until they did a headcount and by then, too late. haha.

the match was..sucky. i was really disappointed when we lost to tj with the score of 0-0 and penalty kick off of 4-3. like damn it. they played well yesterday. i could feel it. they did improve over the season but, damn it. cried after seeing the goalie block out ubri's kick. the last penalty. it was horrible. everyone was crying but the stupid counsellors were still so happy cos they can't wait to go for rugby finals. damn them. irritating pigs. i hate counsellors. sucky people. i think they took our bus for the rugby finals. went along with them cos the soccer girls didn't go in the end. not enough time and too sad i suppose.

rugby was great! okays, i wasnt there the whole time but i could feel it being great. halfway through soccer, the score was 3-0. by the end of the match (which is also half time for them), it was 3-10. all of us were very scared. on the way there, it was 10-10. we caught up. yayers. then we past by the HTA and the crowd was wow! haha. the stupid expressway meant driving to a u-turn so we can turn back then the driver refused to drop us out the gate of HTA, hoping to find a opening so he can drive in. stupid driver. by then, we already won 15-10. so we like missed the whole game lah. the driver then drove us to don't know where and turned back only after we told him many times. the whole bus was like screaming at the driver, asking him to just stop anywhere and drop us. haha. he finally went back to the start and dropped us off. we ran off the bus, across the road, wanting to get into the place but was stopped by the police cos we needed a sticker tag. ah damn! more time wasted. snatched it from him and off we go! sprinted all the way to the grand stand, and saw some rj alumni and they went,"SA lost." how childish. hahha. the crowd at the grand stand was fabulous. people were coming back, off the field, getting really for prize presentation. haha. so fun lah. all of us crowded around and everytime they gave off a prize, we cheered and scream. hhaha. all of us were damn high. finally, our turn came and of cos, the whole place burst out. haha. screamed our lungs out. they did the hakka too. for us. then they went to the front of the track and bowed to us before going into a circle, and what's next? SCHOOL SONG!! we sang the school song jumping up and down, screaming,"UP AND ON!" damn high damn high. haha. i told zakir before they left for rugby that nic and i will at least have to make it down there, for the school song. we did. we did. we really only made it for the school song. haha.

and i received news from nicole that girls hockey beat rj to qualify for the finals. yayers. it was a tough fight. had a full game before going into overtime and penalty shoot out. after penalty, it was still a draw and they had to play sudden death. after like 4 times, on the fifth time, rox hit it it and her opponent didnt. yays!! we won!! what a long match. it ended at 7.10. even after rugby.

after that, met up with doong and jon before setting off to doong's place. the bus stop was so crowded that we decided to walk out but gave up halfway and flagged a cab to cck. if weever try walking, we will reach cck only at 8 lah. maybe 9. haha. then we decided if we should change the venue as doong's place is at thomson which is not very train accessible. jon's place was decided in the end. haha. went to his place twice in 2 days. how fun right. bought mee goreng and ate in his place before trying to start pw. haha. once we entered the room, i told doong to lie on the floor and sleep. cos it's so comfortable. and she agreed with me totally. haha. he had to pull us off the floor before we can actually start work. it was 8.30 by then. did work till around 10.10. had to leave after that and reached home at 11. how fun. was dead tired by then but had to wait for hair to dry so i came online and crapped a bit. was 12+ by the time i was ready for bed. tired.

on thursday, Romanis is supposed to go for boys hockey semis. thought we end at 12.45 but was only told today that we can only end at 2.45. damn. slacked from 11.45 to 2.15 before having 1/2 hour of gp. waste of time. went for the hockey match. it's a really tough fight was by the time it was 10 mins to end of match, we were still tied at 0-0. then, vj scored. damn it. tried to bring the score back but failed. end of season for the boys. they broke down and cried on the pitch. when they came back to us, all of them were crying badly, even timo. our hearts ached, broke, shattered into pieces when we saw our beloved cool as cucumber timo broke down in front of us. he was shaking so violently when he cried. our timo. poor boy. hope he will feel better and chances of him skipping school tomorrow is really high.

now now now, it 9.10. i really want to sleep early tonight but no hope. have gp and gpp. having online and phone conference soon. i guess, no sleep till 12+ again today. i hope i can survive. jon is like half dead now. falling sick and almost never awake in lessons today. and i have to do 2.4 at 6.40 tomorrow morning. god bless me. i really hope i can even wake up to trudge my way to school and survive the run tomorrow. i really hope i can.

till i feel awake and energised to blog again, see you.
what the fuck.
shit.
everything went off just like that.
what's freaking wrong with me and blogger man.
i blogged for so long.
an hour or more and it's all gone.
fuck.
seriously, 12th may is my curse day.

ps. sorry grace.
woohoo. i'm high now!! conferencing with my pw members now. damn high. hahahaahhaa. i can't stop laughing. hahaa.

anyway, today is a good day?! haha. lessons. shopping. nearly went to yj to see dearest but due to lots of problems, it got cancelled again. oh wells. i miss her. so much.

i want to go shopping!! hooked on to it. haha. i love love love. hahaha.

i am really high!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
just realised. it's 7th may. remember the day? had chapel on friday and they were talking about the school hymm. and i nearly cried. cos one line came and stayed in my head.

"one family unbroken, we joined with one acclaim"

i love this line. i really do. and i remember her. even though it's been 2 years, everytime i think of the school hymm, i think of her.

let's sing this one more time. this is mrs lee's favourite hymn so let's sing this one more time. in the memory of her.

Be Thou My Vision

Be Thou my Vision, O Lord of my heart;
Naught be all else to me, save that Thou art;
Thou my best Thought, by day or by night,
Waking or sleeping, Thy presence my light.

Be Thou my Wisdom, and Thou my true word;
I ever with Thee and Thou with me, Lord;
Thou my great Father, i Thy true son;
Thou in me dwelling, and i with Thee one.

Riches I heed not, nor man's empty praise;
Thou mine Inheritance, now and always;
Thou and Thou only, first in my heart;
High King of heaven, my Treasure Thou art.

High King of heaven, my victory won;
May I reach heaven's joys, O bright heaven's Sun!
Heart of my own heart, whatever befall;
Still be my Vision, O Ruler of all.
went shopping today with doong and peiyu. i love shopping. and i want to buy so many things. like tops, shorts, skirts and shoes. my gosh. shopping is my love. haha.

and i realised i like frilly things now. oh nos. like lace. hmm. hahaha.

and i am a high maintenance girl. haha. self-proclaimed. oh wells. heehee.
((:
i could feel my heart in the air, when i saw you. it's terrific. i miss watching you play the flute. i miss watching you conduct. i miss hearing you sing. and i miss seeing you.

the concert was great. totally. the main reason of me going for the concert is to see moses. and i made it. i made it there, finally, after looking for tickets for so many days. i would really regret it if i didnt make it there.

i was on the verge of crying when i heard him sing. it's been so long. so long. i didnt realise i miss him, i miss them so much till the concert. i didnt realise. i thought i was fine without them, living my life as per normal. but deep down, deep down, i miss them so much. so much. i really do.

moses is great. really great. fantastic. maybe i should just have a little more courage to go up and say well done. maybe. but i didnt. at least i texted him after that. and he saw me during the concert. like wow. ((:

he looked really tired. szuxiang too. maybe the preparation for the concert has taken a toll on them. or maybe, the studies. they look so frail, so tired, so thin(?). i really hope they take care of themselves. and rest when they should.

saw meiting too. she look really happy. i'm glad for her. seems like poly life is doing her good. i miss her. miss the times we spent crapping together. miss the times in the study room suring chinese lessons. miss the ava where samuel will play the piano for us. miss LT3. miss the Loke Cheng Kim hall. miss the gallery. miss the cafe. miss Malan SA. i even miss bryce who played the piano once for us.

the times spent there was great. if only we could still stay there, and i stayed with them. last year might not be a very happy year for me but i loved it still. and i miss it. i really do. i miss everything. everything.

i thought of my pw people today. i really miss you guys. carol, moses, simhui, jaga. all the fun. crapping. arguing. rehearsing. i miss it. you guys made the pw process not as torturous as it would be. it was enjoyable. very fun.

i cannot turn back time. and i cannot stay in the past forever. but memories will be kept in my head. etched in my heart. i miss you guys. and i love you. (:

ps. grace, moses sings really well. really.
hmm. what to say? i am old. haha. sorry to those out there reading and older than me, who most probably will only be adi and maybe his sister. heehee.

was queueing to draw cash from an atm machine in jubilee when she walked past me. guess who? the one with the exact name as me except the surname. haha. she's serene yeo shiling. hahaa. like so fun right. ahhaa. anyways, i was so surprised to see her. it's been many donkey years since we last met. like..yah, many donkey years. haha. the first thing i asked was,
"how old are you now?"
"15."
"oh my gosh. you are 15 already? isn' that sec 3? i feel so old."
"how old are you?"
"18."
"isn't that my kor's age?"
then i remembered, yah her brother is of the same age as me. freak. i feel so old. old enough to ask people how old they are already. oh. one thing. in case you guys are confused, she used to be my reading buddy when i was in primary school. i teach her. haha. and her brother was my friend, maybe classmate? hmm. don't remember. haha. like how everyone knows everyone in primary school and secondary school. haha. there's no way we can trace back the relationship. haha. anyway, the conversation continues.
"yah lah. hahaa."
"oh. i have boyfriend already."
"what?! gosh. you are only sec 3 lah." *note: i nearly fainted.*
"you don't have meh?"
"no. i don't."
"okays. hahaa."
"so, how's studies?"
"hmm. i fail english."
"what?! you failed english? we should start speaking in english man." *note: we are conversing in chinese.*
"anyway, my brother is in rp now."
"oh. not bad. heehee. is he happy there?"
"i guess so. he is buying a laptop that costs $2000+. yeah."
*by now, i have finished drawing.*
"okays. so where are you going now?"
"to the interchange to meet my boyfriend."
"okays. hmm. so i see you yah. hee. byebye."
"byebye." *and she smiled happily.*
okays. now now now. i feel so old. and single. haha. like oh nos. hahaa. i don't know why my reaction's so big when i heard she has a boyfriend. i guess, i just cannot accept the fact that someone i know has a boyfriend at 15. hmm. conservative? maybe.

anyway, i'm really happy to see her. like after so many donkey years. the last time i saw her was only a glimpse like years back when i'm on the bus. wow. so long ago. and after a while, i realised one thing. she is the age of my cousin. why did i feel so old then? hmm. maybe cos i havent been around her long enough. haha. or maybe cos i really havent seen her in donkey years. oh nos. i am old. old. old.

i keep on saying that i have a generation gap with the kids, and they are only one year younger. oh nos. i am old aint i? or am i thinking of myself being so old that i just take it? oh nos. i am old. but i am happy to be old. cos old represents wisdom, respect and experience? hmm. but i don't act mature in front of my kids. oh wells. kids will always be kids. haha. now i know why people say that. and i still cannot believe serene is 15 already. ahh!!

i am old! so are you. hahahahahahaa.
bah.
((:
hmm. say 29th April 2006. nexa's 18th birthday. she's finally official. haha. but poor girl, she had flu and sore eye on that day. how suay. gosh. i miss times we spent together, crapping singing dancing jumping around, and even drinking. haha. yes. we are official. hmm. heehee. all that ice cream from gelato. thai food. 'loud' speakers. booze(?) and crapping. what a great night. nex jia and i. ((:

and yes. i am open. hahaa. thanks jia. thanks. i love you so much that my heart cannot contain it anymore and i need to annouce to the whole world. heehee. i'm so glad we can laugh at our own stupidity now. and of cos, jealousy. heeheee. i love you so much!!

okays. what else? ohs. ashleigh is so so so cute. i'll soon put it up. heehee. she is my cutest little baby with cool hair that stands without styling. hahaha.

went for the SDA rally yesterday. what can i say? the speakers are so charming and witty and well, unclish. hahaa. i just gotta say, it's a once in a lifetime rally. =D i really enjoyed it. hope i can go for more, if not all the rallies the next election. cos i have to vote too, by then. hopefully. hahaa.

love you people.
(: