/ Wildbunnnyyy

Monday, March 13, 2006 ♥1:38 PM

oh wells, days without the computer is horrible and now that i finally got a lappy, the internet connection has some problem. aww man, this feels like shit yah. like i am so out of contact with everyone else. and i can't blog so i cannot tell you guys how i felt and all. sounds really shitty right? so, on my way out just now i realised this method. i can type my entries and save them first before putting them online when the connection is finally up. sounds good yeah? hee. so whatever you are reading now is typed a long time ago. haha. okay here comes my first nagging!!

my god lah. the orientation isn't as great as the first time round and it's kinda saddening and disappointing yah. cos i really liked the O1. yah. and i am still in og 7. sequila this time. arts fac rocks lah. but i don't like this og as mush as my previous og 7. that og was fanstatic.(i still cannot spell) i mean, we had so much fun together adn all. i guess that's because all of us are new to the school that why. okay. most f us were new to the school. this time round, og 7 was almost made up of the dsa people. and they knew each other beforehand so i'm feeling kinda left out and all. but i won't say much cos i know they can link here. yeah. i just wanna say i am not happy at all this time round. okay. maybe juts a little bit cos yuzhen and xiaorong really made my day. yah. ohs. one thing. yuzhen looks so like meiting lah. the way she speaks, actions, face and even the skin colour. i must be thinking too much lah. hee.

just the other day i was thinking back about last year's orientation. and guess what? i don't think i ever wrote this before. in 79, the first person i evert talked to was peishan. can you believe it? i mean, i sorta can lah. haha. cos she was standing right behind me and i was the first. haha. oh wells. but during games i didn't join her cos i thought her friends were a little cheena. you know, i want a change of environment and something westernised. haha. so i stick onto carol. i never regretted it. i mean, come on lah. i don't know how many of you guys know this but i really liked carol. she's so wah!! haha. sorry ah. my vocabulary is a bit the limited lah. haha. anyway, after that i went on to join meiting and kevin, with carol of course. hee. not bad. we had fun. and later on, with meiting and gang. and then, i realised that they didn't really liked me, or i didn't really blend into them. like i'm someone extra. eventually, i left that group and went on to 'bother' subing. hee. and we joined peishan's group in the end. haha. what a twist of fate. do you guys actually know this? i always kinda feel left out. all the time. no matter where i am and who i am with. okays. maybe not really with the cheenas. i am like so very insecure. all the time. and i always think that people don't like me. and i am pretty sure they don't. not to the extent of hating me but don't really acknowledge my presence. this is the very first time i am typing this out and allowing everyone else to see. my deepest innermost thoughts. i guess i do need to say it out one day. or i'll just be friendless. or should i say, alone, even more alone. i mean, i always feel alone now, even when i'm with a big crowd of people. i think i am really weird. like really. i don't really like to be alone but whenever i am with a big crowd of people, i always feel so alone and yet, i don't want to leave them. i think i just need company. someone to company me no matter how alone i feel. so warped right? i am. i think i am really a weirdy. yah. how can i not feel so alone? i have no idea. i don't know. i don't know. i think the innermost me is actually a very quiet person who likes being alone. like what suaku will tell me. everything about me is a facade. i need to look really inside me to discover the real me. but am i capable of doing it? is this it? i don't know. i don't know. i am a really stupid person. i need some guidance. but where can i find it? i wonder. oh wells. i guess all of us do feel alone and empty at some point in time, just that i feel more than the rest. i think i should just like be a super loner yeah. but somehow i just can't. i'll go and find a group of people to blend into again and feel outcasted again and leave again. this is my vicious cycle of "weirdness". yah. i just don't learn do i? or i just really want company. i think i just really want that. oh wells. i just i'll go on being so weird and lonely and live life as it is. i will survive eventually yah. i will. don't do anything to me or try to counsel me or what okays. cos i am sure you do feel this way at times too. so if you don't know the way to cure yourself, don't cure me. and i don't want to be cured anyway. no matter what i do, there will be people who don't like me. yah. like what i have said before, i don't love. i do not love. so people, no matter how many times i have said i love you to you before, it's all fake. yah. it's just a habit. a habit of saying it. and whenever i say i'll be there for you, it's fake too. cos i will never be. and you won't find me anyway. i am just a clown in your life, an entertainer when you need entertainment. someone for you to jeer at. to laugh at. to poke your fingers at. to make fun of. that's me in your life. your pathetic life. my pathetic life. i wish i can stop being such a clown. but i can't too. i had a talk with my cousin the last time and guess what? he's like that too. he's a clown too. we call it our lives. our clownish lives. our mission in life. kinda sad huh. oh wells.
this is my very first time telling the whole world my innermost feeling. how i felt. and i guess this will be the last. cos i don't tell people how i feel. or, i don't even know how i feel. hopefully in a7, i will have a more permanent group of people for me to stick to and hopefully like. actually, i am just hoping nic will. cos i like her the way i liked carol. hopefully. but i think the chances are kinda low. oh wells. heck. i'll just go on believing what i want to believe in. i guess that's enough.

THE END.